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Archive for the ‘hilarity’ Category

Two anecdotes proving that I am well on my way to decrepitude.

Coming from the park, I was turning on to Maple Road when two of these guys jumped out into traffic. They were aimed at a bar on the other side of the street. Annoyed that they were too cool to use the crosswalk provided, I paused and then went around them. Through the open window of my mini-van I heard one shout, “……soccer moms!” I gave them a “hand signal” as I stopped at the crosswalk only a few feet away.

My mother looked at me in amused disapproval.

“Sorry” I said. “But he called me a soccer mom! He gets the finger.”

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Later that day I was talking with my dad about the guitar lessons he’s offering to members of his church youth group. In an effort to engage the kids, he asked them for the names of current bands whose music they might like to learn. Since names were not forthcoming, my father mentioned a few bands he thought they might like. He also told them a horrible groaner about Kurt Cobain and “decomposing”.

*crickets*

Probing why his “hilarious” joke had fallen flat he realized that not one of them had ever heard of Nirvana.

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girl, nurtured.

Mitten has never been a big eater. When she was a baby, I’d do any number of ridiculous and desperate things in an effort to increase her calorie-intake but none worked as well as what follows.

During mealtimes, I started telling her a story while trying to maneuver the spoon into her mouth. I got tired of the standard “Choo-choo! Here comes the train” bit very quickly.

So I came up with this: Here’s the train! It’s filled with little children and teachers and parents on a field trip. Look, it’s chugging up the mountain and the children are having such a fun time! But wait, Oh my gosh – no – suddenly from a cave in the center of the mountain an ancient and nameless evil rears it’s head. It’s hungry and innocence is savory – it’s coming for the children in the bus! The children and the parents and the teachers see doom approaching and scream! Ahhhhh! Nooo!

At that point, Mitten (playing the part of the ancient and nameless evil) would happily and ferociously chomp down on the spoonful of children. We’d go through endless permutations. Train, bus or boat – going up a mountain, through the desert, across an ocean. Her enthusiasm never waned.

Chicken and carrots, unappetizing. Unwilling human flesh? Hilarious and tasty.

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I enjoy breaking rules created only for my own safety and the safety of others. Yesterday, I did not put my almost potty-trained 2 year old in a diaper when I took her to the pool. My son was in a diaper but it was not a swim diaper. It was a regular one that got super bloaty and added about 5 pounds to his weight. I cannot figure out the added benefit of a swim diaper. If it doesn’t hold water like a regular diaper, surely pee escapes it as well?

Today, I flouted the rules at a McDonald’s playland and let my children go on the equipment without socks. Another mother told me that she was yelled at by the manager (because Foot and Mouth disease spreads on play structures) and was told she could purchase socks from Micky D’s for 2$ a pair. Funny, that McDonald’s is concerned about Foot and Mouth but unfazed when it comes to heart disease. Can I purchase some 2$ Lipitor with my Happy Meal?

Also, what? Did he mean Hand, Foot and Mouth disease? And even then, what? Shit covered kids are allowed on the play structure? Oh wait – hand washing is free.

I learned this disregard for authority at my mother’s knee. At McDonald’s today, she kept laughingly telling the kids “to get in the damn tunnels already” so we could avoid detection by the sock nazis.

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Toot is terrified of many things these days. High on her list are men and robots. I chalk the man thing up to her being two and having stranger anxiety. The fear of robots can be traced directly to an episode of Spongebob Squarepants called “Krab Borg” wherein Spongebob watches a scary movie about robots, becomes paranoid and convinces Squidward that Mr. Krabs has been replaced by “Robot Krabs”. They perform a series of tests (laugh, cry, love) to determine whether Mr. Krabs is human. Er, crustacean. He fails. Hilarity ensues.

Robots are the big bad of Toot’s world right now. She talks about them constantly.

“Krabs Robot can’t love, mommy”, Toot says. Krabs Robot may not be able too – but I can and I can cry from laughing so hard.

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Fear!


Originally uploaded by coruskate

….the awesome power of the snuffling boxer!

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This alli drug is f-ed up. I’ll let the Angry Aussie explain.

“To me, this is the ultimate evidence that western society is utterly fucked. You can tell people that taking a pill will make them shit their pants uncontrollably. And your pill will be an utterly out of control success.”

What can I add to that? Do we want to be skinny *this* badly? Is shitting your pants really preferable to eating veggies and drinking water?

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